


To Hell and Back

by vogue91



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Drug Addiction, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 15:03:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14022816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: A few hours in contact with the same evil that had consumed Tobias’ life had been enough to drag him into the abyss.





	To Hell and Back

**Author's Note:**

> So, I found out I had written two CM fics, in an incredibly long interval. And I found out they have the very same subject, as if 13 seasons aren’t enough to find something different to write about. I’d say I have a problem with Tobias. Nevertheless, I posted them both. I’m so sorry, Spence.

_“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real, too. They live inside us. And sometimes,_

_they win.”_

_[Stephen King]_

Spencer had never thought he could’ve been touched by something so trivial.

He had never consider himself above other, not once, not for all those times his mother had tried to convince him of the contrary.

Different, that he was. And never his life or the people he had met had proven him wrong.

But now he was forced to change his mind.

Victim of the most human and normal of vices, of the one that had always confused him the most, the one he didn’t understand, that he believed to be meaningless, as much as any other addiction.

Tobias Hankel had died, and he kept seeing his corpse day after day, he kept waking up at morning to that thought, he kept seeing the body of a guy just like him, a guy consumed by his own mind and by that drug he thought could save him.

They were different, though.

They were, because Tobias had grown up differently, because his mind had taken another path, because trying to look for ways to protect itself it had destroyed. That was what Spencer kept telling himself, but it didn’t help the issue at all.

A few hours in contact with the same evil that had consumed Tobias’ life had been enough to drag him into the abyss.

It was a vicious circle where he felt the craving, he felt it turning into necessity, he satisfied it and then remained frustrated finding out that the relief did never last long enough.

He looked at himself in the mirror and he could see nothing anymore of the person he knew he was, he could only see someone consuming himself with his own hands, someone too scared or proud to ask for help.

He sighed, and the image in the mirror sighed with him.

It wasn’t morning anymore. It was evening, he had come back home tired after yet another case, after yet another arrested and put behind bars monster, and still he felt drenched in that abyss the investigation dragged him in, as if all of those killers left a mark inside of him. 

He wasn’t himself, he couldn’t deny it, as he couldn’t deny that for the whole day he had thought only about his desire to escape, to that bottle of Dilaudid left home, in a vain hope he could’ve done without it.

He knew how it was going to go, and he was too tired to fight, too deep in that well to hope he could rise back, not now when the monster was at his highest point.

He took the bottle and a syringe, without looking at them with too much focus, distancing the drug from his body, as if it wasn’t his own.

Just like Tobias had done, after all.

It was there, he was ready, and he realized with a slight fear that his hand wasn’t shaking anymore.

And then, he heard the doorbell.

Just for a split second he thought to pretend he wasn’t home. For a split second he thought he could’ve just stayed forever among those walls, to let himself be consumed, without being forced to see anybody, without having to explain himself to those worried gazes the next day.

Just for a split second, before hearing Derek’s voice coming from behind the door.

He felt a sharp pain to his chest and groaned.

Morgan was the last person he would’ve wanted to see in that moment, yet he was also the only one he would’ve never dared to pretend with; he couldn’t, Derek didn’t deserve it and wasn’t going to accepting without fighting against his stubbornness.

Putting away the syringe and the Dilaudid he went to the door, breathing in deeply before opening it.

“Spencer.” Morgan said when he saw him, sighing.

Reid forced himself to smile, shrugging.

“You seem relieved.” he commented, without giving him time to explain himself. “What are you doing here? We’ve seen each other less than an hour ago.” he pointed out, lingering on the doorstep as if he didn’t know whether he was going to ask him inside or not.

“Yeah. Yes, I know. I was going home, but... I’d got a bad feeling and I came here.” Derek seemed to want to keep talking, but he paused and frowned. “Can I come in?” he asked, and Spencer knew it wasn’t really a question.

He finally moved, letting him in and going to the couch, unsure.

“Would you like something to drink? I could put some coffee on. Or tea. I would offer you something to eat, but I’m afraid there’s not much in my fridge. But we could order something ou...”

“Spencer.” the other man stopped him, forcing him to turn and putting his hands on his shoulders. He had used again his serious voice, the one where Reid could read all his worry, his rage, his frustration; what he had feared most of all.

He sighed, surrendering to something he couldn’t avoid any longer, and sat tamely on the couch, waiting for Morgan to speak.

But the man looked at him from head to toe, lingering on the shadows under his eyes and then his hands, that almost unconsciously were scratching each other.

“Why are you looking at me?” he asked then, uncomfortable. “Something wrong?”

Derek let go against the backrest, crossing his arms.

“You tell me, kid. I’m not the one acting all weird. I’m not the one with bags under his eyes, that in the field keeps looking around anxiously, as if he was waiting for the right time to escape. Just like you’re doing right now.” he sighed, moving on the side so that he could get closer to him. “I will always be there for you, Spence. You should’ve understood that by now. I just need for you to trust me.”

Spencer listened carefully to him. It was so little like him that voice, so little like him that worry and that instinct of protection that he felt like screaming, asking what he could’ve possibly done to make him act like this.

Screaming to leave him alone, to go away, that he didn’t want trust, that...

That he didn’t know what he wanted. From anyone, even less from Derek Morgan, because in front of him he felt so vulnerable as if he was empty, thoughtless, emotionless.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, Derek.” he whispered, so little convincing that he couldn’t even persuade himself.

Morgan raised an eyebrow.

God, how mad did he have to be, Spencer knew that. And he liked that rage, he almost relished it. He managed to smile, despite the immense pity he felt for himself.

He stood up, believing that the other man would’ve done it as well, but when he saw him getting comfortable on the couch he got confused, and looked at him, frowning.

“You’ve come here because you were worried. And I’m grateful, Derek, I truly am. But there’s nothing wrong, I told you. There’s nothing...” he sighed, closing his eyes briefly. “There’s no reason why you should stay.”

Derek smiled, surprising him.

“There’s no reason either why I should go, is there?” he shrugged. “You said we could order takeout. Fine. I’m having dinner with you, pretty boy. If it’s not a problem for you.”

Spencer opened his eyes wide, floored.

Derek knew his game. And it knew it well enough to know exactly how to trap him just like he had done now.

“Fine.” he said, nonchalant. He went to the cupboard, opened a drawer abruptly and took out a flyer, handing it to the older man. “Make yourself at home. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take a shower first.” he said, smiling too quickly to be sincere, and went back to the bathroom.

He closed the door behind his back, then leant against it, slipping to the floor with his head in his hands.

It had always been different with Derek. He had always been different, different from Hotch’s glances, from Emily’s lack of half measures, from J.J.’s worries.

Different, because different was their bond, but right now Spencer didn’t even want to think about that. He wanted to put that part of himself in a different recess of his mind, far from the abyss, far from the monsters, far from the ghosts of that night.

He wasn’t ready, and he wished Derek could’ve understood that, that he could’ve let him alone with his despair.

But he wasn’t going to, because Spencer in his place wouldn’t have done it either, for he wouldn’t have had the heart of leaving him by himself, not in such a circumstance.

He crawled forward, still on the floor, and took out again the bottle and the syringe, staring at them more scared than before.

What was inside that simple and destroying bottle that could’ve helped him, what did it have more than Morgan and his concern?

He filled the syringe, slowly, undoing the buttons of his sleeve and rising it up.

He stared at the marks on his arm, disgusted with himself, but he didn’t have time to do anything else.

As if the body wasn’t his own, he felt someone hugging him behind his shoulders.

He collapsed against those arms, feeling his back against Derek’s chest, feeling it warm, feeling safe all of a sudden.

He closed his eyes, sighed and didn’t say a word.

He didn’t justify himself nor try to clear anything, because it would’ve been meaningless and he didn’t feel like it.

“I’m here, Spencer. I’m here.” Morgan told him, his voice calm, the rage suddenly gone.

“You knew.” Reid said.

“Of course I did. Did you really believe, after all this time, that you could hide something from me?” he sighed, putting his hands on Reid’s forcing him to let go of the syringe. “You’re not this, Spencer. You’re different, you’re better than this. Don’t let what happened make you...”

“You don’t know. You don’t know what happened to me.” Reid replied, opening his eyes abruptly and turning, still without managing to look at him. “None of you was there while Tobias Hankel tried to save me from Raphael and his father, no one was there while he gave me his only way out. You don’t know how I felt, you can’t even imagine.”

“Can’t I, Spencer?” Derek frowned, shaking his head. “Do you actually believe I don’t know what it means wanting to run away from the monsters we see every day? Wanting to run from our past, managing to finally forget?” he scoffed, keeping quiet for a few moments, as to give himself time to calm down. “Please. Let me help you.”

Spencer considered his options.

His mind was analytical, after all, and there was no drug that could cloud the logic, he had become sadly aware of that.

He knew he had a problem, he knew he was able to admit it to himself, but letting Morgan help him was an entirely different thing; it would’ve meant accepting him as a full part of his life, and there had never been someone being that for him, never someone he could trust blindly to fix what was wrong, to help him change what had always been wrong in him, what now was wrong.

Dilaudid wasn’t the only problem, Derek wasn’t talking just about that and they both knew it.

“I don’t want to be this.” he whispered, surrendering. “I don’t want to perish at the hand of my monsters. I don’t...” he stopped, frowning. “Will you stay?” he asked, finally looking him in the eyes, finally reading an honest smile on his face.

“I’ll stay as long as you want. Even something more, pretty boy.” he stood up, helping him out. “You don’t necessarily have to be alone.”

“You make it sound so simple, Derek.” the younger one complained, grimacing, then followed him out the bathroom.

“I’m not saying it’s simple. I’m just saying that with our jobs we’ve seen too many people giving in to their personal monsters and to the ghosts from their past. We’ve seen them turn into something...” he paused, sighing. “I’m not saying it’s easy. You just have to fight so that they won’t win, and I care enough for you as to not wanting to let you fight alone, Spence.”

Spencer didn’t answer, because he knew that having asked him to stay was enough for Derek.

He smiled, nonetheless, when the other turned to look at him.

He thought about the past few weeks, he saw the shadow hovering over him and his life, and he knew that Morgan’s words weren’t enough to make it go away, that it was still there and that it would’ve taken time; he should’ve put all of himself into that battle.

But Derek was right. He didn’t have to do it alone.

And that was enough already to make the monster a little less scary. 


End file.
